Say I Am
by melroihag
Summary: One shot named after the song by Gavin DeGraw which inspired this little one-shot. Set post-prison where Alex and Nicky visit Chapman.


_This is named after the song by Gavin DeGraw, which inspired this little one-shot._

* * *

Alex felt a hand on her shoulder, she glanced behind herself to see a small smile curve the lips of her wild-haired best friend, Nicky. She gave an encouraging nod and squeezed Alex's shoulder gently, before turning to give her a few moments alone.

Alex took a deep breath, closed her eyes and turned back, her grip on the bouquet of flowers tightening ever so slightly.

The lump in her throat grew, just as unbidden tears filled her eyes. Her gaze scanned over the letters that were carved into the marble headstone. Her knees gave way and the bunch of flowers fell from her grasp.

Mentally berating herself, Alex wiped her tears with her sleeve as she placed the flowers in the pot beside her. She sat down opposite the gravestone, legs crossed and picked a daisy from the grass by her foot. Twirling between her thumb and forefinger, she took a steadying breath to compose herself.

Awhile had passed before Alex took another deep breath and bravely lifted her gaze, from the ground beneath her to the headstone once more.

"Hey, Pipes." her voice broke as the tears fell onto her hands in her lap.

"It's your birthday." she smiled a small smile, her gaze flickered to the bunch of brightly coloured flowers, then back again.

"Nicky says 'Hi' too, by the way!" she huffed a laugh, rolled her eyes and shook her head, biting her lip to stop herself from smiling, at how Piper would've been grinning like an excited little kid to have heard from Nicky. Piper and her had been close back when they were all behind bars still. _'Our little dysfunctional prison family.'_ Alex thought to herself, scoffing at the idea.

Alex shook out of her thoughts of the old days and cleared her throat. The reality that she was here alone dawning on her, and sobering her positive thoughts, entirely.  
"You've been gone 5 years now, Pipes… and it feels like each day is still getting worse without you." as she spoke the words, her bottom lip quivered and a stream of silent tears fell down her face. Her brows knitting together as she covered her face to try and stifle the heart wrenching sob that was threatening to escape her.

She crawled closer and leant back against the headstone, wanting to be closer to Piper, in any capacity. Resting her head back, Alex closed her eyes and imagined the brightest pair of blue eyes she'd ever seen. She one's that had whole-heartedly engraved themselves into the depths of Alex's consciousness.

A smile twitched her lips, as a memory of waking up one morning to find Piper smiling shyly back at her, replayed in her mind. A blush colouring the blonde's faintly freckled cheeks, having just been caught watching Alex sleeping. The memory of Piper's dimples causing a familiar warmth to spread in her veins.

Alex's hair was ruffled by a slight breeze and she swore to herself that she could smell the perfume that Piper used to wear, once upon a time.  
The sun shone out from behind the clouds then, warming Alex's face. In her mind's eye, Piper was caressing her cheek and staring lovingly at her.

"Hey, Al" Piper whispered, in that dreamy sigh she used to do, and Alex's heartbeat stuttered.

She began informing Piper of the latest news and things to have happened since she last saw her, so to speak.

The sun was setting now and she shivered from the slight chill in the air, goosebumps rising on her arms.

"Nicky set me up on a blind date last weekend." she mumbled, a twinge of guilt twisting her stomach. "I nearly killed her." she added, a single tear falling down her cheek.

"She keeps asking me if I still love you, and then she points out that I never give her straightforward answer. I don't know why I can't just say that I am and always will be. Maybe it's because it's been so long and people just expect me to have moved on by now. But I haven't and I can't." she folded her arms across her chest and pouted slightly.

Taking another steadying breath, she continued, "Every time I meet someone, I blink and I see your hair or your eyes, or like if we're walking down the sidewalk or, well it usually happens in the bars that Nicky drags me to, I'm almost certain that I can hear your stupid little laugh, or the breathy way you'd say my name when you'd…" Alex let her train of thought trail off as her heart began to ache heavily.

She closed her eyes, more tears falling as she choked out on a broken whisper, "I miss you."

Turning herself slightly, she rest her forehead against the headstone and reminded herself of how to breathe.

Alex sat there for a long time in silence, picking each petal off of the daisy, repeating in her mind, _'She loves me, she loves me not.'_

A car's horn broke her out of her peaceful trance, causing her to jump. She turned to find Nicky waiting patiently in the car for her.

"I guess that's my ride." she tried to joke, huffing a small pathetic attempt of a laugh.

The last petal landed on 'She loves me' and as she closed her eyes once more, she could've sworn she felt Pipers lips press to the crown of her head.

Getting to her knees, she placed a hand to the top of the headstone, swiping her hand along the smooth marble surface.

"Next time Nicky asks, I'm going to tell her. I _do_ love you…" her voice was breaking as she moved closer to press her lips gently to the cool stone. "And I always will, Kid." she whispered, closed her eyes shut tight, letting the remaining tears fall.

She stood and wiped her eyes with her sleeves, before taking one last steadying breath and plastering on a smile.

Nicky smiled as Alex got into the passenger seat, "Did you tell Chapman I said 'Hello'?" she asked as she started the engine.

"Don't I always?" Alex rolled her eyes, but the small smile on her face was genuine.

"Until next time, Blondie. Love ya!" Nicky shouted out of the window, in the direction of Piper's plot.

Nicky reached over and squeezed Alex's hand, their silent way of letting each other know that the other was there for them.

As they pulled away, Alex briefly closed her eyes and imagined Piper once more. The one memory that will stick with her until the end of time. They were facing each other in the tight prison bunk, the way Piper's eyes sparkled as she said, _'I heart you too.'_ the memory causing Alex's heart to race as Piper's dimples appeared and she closed the distance, capturing Alex's lips, and heart once more.

A streetlamp made the ring on her finger shimmer in the corner of her eye, and she glanced down at it. A shit-eating grin forming on her face as she remembered when Piper accepted her proposal, and then when she'd watched Piper walk down the aisle towards her, as if in slow motion. Then visions of their honeymoon flashed in her mind and Alex felt her heart throb longingly.

 _'_ _You better be waiting for me, Kid'_ she thought to herself.

She imagined Piper's response to be an eye roll, before snuggling closer to Alex and whispering in her ear, _'Always, Alex. Always.'_


End file.
